| Slightly interrupting rantage to post this. |
[09 Apr 2005|03:18pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Aaron Copland - who knows what song |
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Mother’s Rainbow
sky grey drops
flowing down the sidewalk
to brown clay water puddle
creating ever-moving rips
in the air I see, looking through
these liquid prisms
following the wind,
their one-dimensional dance – ever
down
brilliant purple
with my eyes closed, vividly
through my eyelids this color
hiding from the bees
swarming around the slide, a child
afraid, trying to hide
from that second when the bell rings
and I need to get in school
ink
suffocating black, pressing inward
no lights were left on; my dad had closed
the door and the house was dark;
my mother in the hospital, possibly
for the last time – “Six months.” Doctor’s
pronouncement covered me, silently
because the one thing I can’t do
is live for the future
bright screaming yellow
on my bike, my only form of transportation
that’s solely mine – driving is a trial
to be endured only when one must
and besides, one must go slower
to see all the world’s colors
White pinpricks
punched through the black rubber sheet
covering this science project universe ‘till God gets back
staring as all that has inspired mankind
and feeling nothing but desolate
fulfillment
fire pixie
orange glowing blessing light
out over a solemn night lake
formed like an angel keeping me entranced
perhaps it was just the bonfire against my glasses
but it flew, fluttered, glided, burned
itself away – all my friends saw an angel in the bonfire
but I know I saw, dyed in light
an angel in the shadows
prisms breaking light
into thousands – millions – myriad shades
you’re pointing each of them out to me
the way they sprawl across ceiling and walls
as I sit there, watching – you
slowly breathing, living, dying, changing
it’s hard for me to believe death
could come to anyone that breathes
even worse to imagine staring
at your rainbows without you
cobalt blue
collections of glass around our house:
jars, panes, curves, solid ocean
your favorite color, deep dark sky
color of your eyes, mother – beautiful
gesture of the world in dawn’s approach.
But it seems we may not have the time
to show each other any more colors.
Mother.
The day will come, they say
when I’ll be unable to speak
with you. I’ll remember the colors,
however, and when we meet
beyond this world
We’ll share every detail
as the stars slip past us
golden arrayed;
like bees,
like ever dancing suspended rain –
oceans of dawn,
rainbows of movement
and angels in
shadow and fire.
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| Here's your rant. |
[08 Apr 2005|06:59pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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Apocalyptica - Hall Of The Mountain King |
] |
Alright. Everyone's been bugging me to update this, so I shall.
But be forewarned. I am ranting here. (Which, with me, means more then one page). This will encompass an infinite array of topics (maybe) and thus is NOT for the faint of heart.
I'm also ranting honestly about what I feel. If you can't life with honest opinions, deal with it by leaving.
Flamers will be shot.
Now, to continue onward...
1: PERSONAL LIFE
My personal life is shit.
...but I'm sure that doesn't detail anything to you. So let me begin to summarize it.
* My mom is currently in in-house hospice. Prediction: 6 months.
* I lost track of my Physics assignments, and now must try to rebalance myself. Time: 2 days.
* I'm in a major writer's block and can't relieve stress that way.
So. Yeah, let's keep going with details.
...my mom went into the hospital during March because of breathing problems and major pain. Stayed there a week, was offered chemo/radiation, declined because it would simply increase quantity of life but decrease quality of life. The family agreed with her decision. For that matter, if you think otherwise, so do I.
She's now living as comfortably as possible at home. My mom and dad now sleep downstairs, because my mom can't do the steps upstairs anymore. She's on oxygen, which makes her about as mobile as before - only exception being she needs her wheelchair and/or oxygen carrier whenever we go. Not a problem.
It's just.... depressing. Someone so full of life, now so limited... and so tired. The impossible happens every day, I think, but sometimes the impossible isn't what we want... we can't have everything.
I just want to make sure my mom's not alone when she dies. That's the scariest thing to me... and I can't describe why. ...I don't know.
Physics and writer's block stem directly off this problem. And there's nothing I can do about it.
...so. Yeah. Next topic!
2: THE POPE
Karol Wojtyla. May your soul ascend to the beyond and see through this mortal world's fallacies.
I did not agree with your policies, but you led your faith strongly and well, and contributed much to this world, without being afraid to contribute your opinion. You were also one of the most tolerant of other beliefs and opinions, even if you strongly disagreed.
Dream well, fellow dreamer.
...with that being said, the news about his death should have ended a day after he died, max. Hearing from people waiting in line to see him is not news. Details of his funeral is news only to those who plan on watching it, and that only the first time it's reported.
The former pope (for he isn't pope any longer) would be ashamed, appalled and furious over all this publicity. You are wasting valuable money and time on the body of a dead man while there are so many starving, poor and hungry - those HE would be helping at this time.
Do not mourn his life, for he surely will be waiting in heaven. Follow his model and the person he took as a model: Jesus.
And, for God's sake, please. Stop saying "pope". It makes me giggle.
3: TERRY SCHAIVO
-has nothing to say on this matter- -please refer to hard liberal thinking for most of it-
....more rantage later, I can't continue this right now.
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| Walking on the border between Heaven and Hell |
[07 Jun 2004|10:46pm] |
Now this has been an example of why I haven't been on:
My mom has lung cancer. Stage 3a, non-small cell.
It's rather irritating, and depressing, and all that.
But, to be honest, I'm used to it. Being depressed, I mean.
My reasons just keep changing.
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[20 Apr 2004|08:58pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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Ach, sure. I'll surrender - mainly because you guys must have at least a few questions for me.
Three questions. Ask me anything you want. If I answer your questions, you may ask another 3.
Go ahead. Make my...
er...
...
Second.
Too late!
(Questions still accepted)
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| Comics. Enjoy. |
[19 Apr 2004|08:26pm] |
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mood |
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Bad, but not showing it. |
] |
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music |
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Beauty Never Fades | Junkie XL |
] |
http://www.dominic-deegan.com/d/20020521.html
Dominic Deegan is superb. A must-read about an oracle and his irritations. FISH FROM THE SKY!!!
http://www.9thelsewhere.com/
9th Elsewhere is superb, dealing with a dream-world that a girl has revealed by her muse.
http://www.shadowburn.com/
Excellent strip. Great, friendly forums, too. Based off the Wheel of Tme series,
http://www.geocities.com/gravity_snowflake/fic1.html
Only for Gravitation fans, or those interested in being introduced into another anime. Great plot and story, superb drawings too.
http://www.nukearpower.com/
A great sprite comic. RPG based. Plot: BM is out to destroy the world - and being hindered by his fellow Light Warriors.
http://aido.furvect.com/fallen.htm
Brilliant plot, and good drawings. Really. I'm not just saying that for an ego-booster every time. Plot: A fallen angel is trying to adapt to earth.
http://www.questionablecontent.net/index.php
Obscenely funny. Plot: Martin is trying to do strange and funny stuff.
Hmmm...
http://sinfest.net/
Just excellent jokes. Good drawer, too. Four characters: Slick, Monique, Satan and God. Anyone know where that's gonna go?
Will add more later.
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[15 Apr 2004|08:00pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
] |
Which Final Fantasy (IV-X) Character are you?
by steevi
Okay, this automatically kicks ass.
*edit: So far I've also gotten Kimahri (I liked him) And Zidane (meh.) OOOOH HELL YEAH! I got Red 13! *dances**
In case ya haven't cought on, I replied differently to questions I felt iffy on.
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[31 Mar 2004|08:26pm] |
Totally random - I'm posting three poems. Please tell me what you think.
---------Darkest Day---------
Old friend Save me once again Old friend
From the demons that come
I’ve seen their teeth
Oozing with flame
Their tongues, black ice
Good friend
Save me once again
Old ally
Protect me come that day
Old ally
Save my soul from hate
I’ve seen its claws
Red with unspilled blood
And those heart-black eyes
Trusted ally
Protect me come that day
Old foe
Stand with me
Old foe
Come that darkest day
Where souls are consumed
By the demons inside
That humanity had forgot
Ancient foe
Stand with me
Ancient foe
Come that darkest day
The day in which you and I
Stand against the demons
We saw all along
But could not prevent
Old friend
Let us raise the rallying cry
Old friend
Let us not die ‘til the end
Our souls may be lost
To corruption and greed
But let us stand, one last time
Lost friend
Please raise the rallying cry
Lost friend
Please don’t die ‘till the end
Come that darkest day
I cannot stand alone
Against the demons inside
Old friend
Please help me… fight again
-----------Blackness--------- (Yeah, I'm depressed. So sue me.)
Black soul
Black mind
Black heart
I look into the mirror
I see a demon, a corruption, a lie
Black words
Black tongue
Black heart
A face twisted by fear, by hate
A body scarred by other demons inside
Black sight
Black face
Black heart
Arms twisted by pain and despair
Blood draining down every part
Black touch
Black hands
Black heart
And as I look into that mirror
I only see myself, as I am
Black spirit
Black dreams
Black life
All I’ve lived is a lie, a deceit
When all look the same to me…
-------------Crave Solitude----------
All I crave is solitude
A true silence for me to think
All I desire is nature
Away from the tension of society
All I lust for is peace
Love the world as it was meant to be
All I want is serenity
In a world free from darker pleasures
All I want is my dreams
And myself, so my tears can flow flee
All I want is to be me.
-------------
Anyway, please post opinions/whatnot.
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| And I am currently so fucking close to tears. |
[19 Mar 2004|07:46pm] |
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mood |
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indescribable |
] |
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music |
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Serenity - dunno singers. |
] |
And it's not like anything happened, either. I was perfectly fine, I started thinking, then boom - I was depressed as hell. Figures, eh?
And I finally know why I won't drink (alcohol), why I hate dreams, and hate my "other self."
I'm afraid of losing control, letting the demons inside me run amok.
I've never had control over what I dream about. Everyone says to just focus, but then I wake up and can't go back to sleep. That's why I hate that - I either sleep crappily or don't sleep at all those nights.
And I don't want to drink - ever! and I hate my other self for making me lose control. In a way, it is the demon - just a minor part of it. (Rosa, you know what in hell I'm talking bout. I may post details later...)
Anyway, being at Applebees gave me an idea for a poem-type-thing.
-------------------------
Perhaps there's
an underlying thread
encircling the world,
a secret path
or well hidden words,
different to each person.
Me? I hear - no, feel a harmony.
As if it was in every single place
Everywhere humming with their note
That fills my body, breaks my heart
Leaves nothing else in me
But the desire to feel it again
Once it is gone.
I hear the note,
trembling, as if unsure
Then gaining confidence
as it fades away
into a darkened sky
dimmed by its loss.
...heh.
Sometimes I hear the wind
whistling melody
with
my
tears
as
chimes.
And other times, I see it
in the world and feel it
vibrating within me.
Bah! Since when have I ever been right?
I'm probably wrong... I mean, there's no way
that this could be right.
...right?
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[17 Mar 2004|03:34pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
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music |
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Appalachian Waltz - Hard Times Come Again No More |
] |
Yee. Well, today I was called a retard about 60 times. By 5 different people. Lovely, ain't it?
And it's all because of a weird habit I have when eating. I do it with almost everything.
You see, I eat from the outside in on almost anything. Twix bars (which were what started this whole hoopla) I eat by removing the chocolate and caramel and saving the cookie part for last. Pig-in-the-blanket (I call 'em crossaints...)? I eat the bread and cheese first, then the sausage. I am incapable of eating the crust first on a pizza. I will eat the crackers in those prepackaged peanut butter cracker things, ball the peanut butter up, then eat that. Sandwiches with meat? About half the time, I eat the bread, then the meat.
*Translation: I am a total weirdo.
Fine by me.*
Anyway... *shrugs, goes to sleep*
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| ... ackpith. The interesting days continue... |
[16 Mar 2004|03:01pm] |
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mood |
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hopeful |
] |
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music |
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Dennis Leary: I'm an Asshole |
] |
although today was better than most, admittedly.
*Translation: It was so barely not shit.*
I had a chem quiz today for the American Chemistry Society. First place: 2,000 dollars.
*Translation: Money? MINE!*
He gave out practice quizzes, and only 10 people actually did it.
*Translation: I was one of them.*
I got about 33-37 out of 40 right on it.
*Translation: Feeling good about myself...*
So I go in, get the test, and wait. The teacher says to open it up, so I do so and look at the first five questions.
THEY WERE THE SAME AS THE ONES ON THE PRACTICE TEST I OBSESSED OVER.
Shocked, I looked through the rest of the test. All the questions were the same!!!
*Translation: My luck is insanely whacked at times. Believe me, that's a good thing.
I complete the quiz in 10 of 45 minutes (and unless I zoned out, all the answers are correct). Then I start having guilt trips as to whether I should tell my teacher.
*Translation: To be a dumbass, or not to be a dumbass?*
I told him after everyone else had left. He said that he was aware of it, and was going to make calls anyway.
*Translation: So it didn't matter.*
The rest of the day sucked.
*Translation: ...*
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| Ohkay.... |
[15 Mar 2004|06:07pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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music |
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If I tried, I would break the headphones. |
] |
Well, today has been mildly interesting.
*Translation: It was shit.*
I had a few quizzes, but not much to worry about.
*Translation: A computer quiz which I probably failed, a linear programming quiz in math with the same result, and a LONG chem assignment. Plus I've got a chem quiz tomorrow.*
The bus ride was uneventful.
*Translation: WAY. TOO. LOUD.*
Independent Study was boring.
*Translation: Too many people in a 8x8 room.*
And Architecture was eventful.
*Translation: I came back to my seat after making a copy, and this kid was listening to my CD player and my CD. I stopped it, unplugged his headphones, and sat down to work. The kid kept staring at me all through it, and all through the class. I wanted to kick his chair out from underneath him: I've done it once before.*
And the bus ride home was fine.
*Translation: GACK! Dying... of... stupidity...*
And now I'm home, perfectly fine.
*Translation: I have the migraine from hell.*
Sooo...
*Translation: I'm an asshole...*
...
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[06 Mar 2004|10:09pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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Apocalyptica: One |
] |
And it's me. Chiyiros. Doubt anyone will find this other then people I tell, but meh. Might as well try this...
Anyway, first of all, might as well set up my list o' fave webcomics:
http://www.nuklearpower.com/ Sweet comic, great lines... got me into the whole webcomic thingys.
http://www.dominic-deegan.com/ However, this... this one has to be my favorite. Dear god. Dominic is awesome. That's all.
WoT Now? is currently down, but Burn's workin' on it.
http://clanbob.net/ If they go back to funny comics, it'll be sweet. The plot line is nice, but... *wants the US to have a paintball civil war*
More as I remember them. Fallen is moving soon, so I won't post their stuff up yet.
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